You Are Not Special
Wednesday, 8 August 2007 by Jacob TomawJoscelynn has written about our desire to not raise Jonah in a protective, sanitized, no-risk bubble-world. Jonah Goldberg’s article today is about another developmnet in parenting I want to avoid, specialness. Our children will be loved for sure. They will also be special to us, but do they need to know it all the time? Are they automatically special and should be appreciated in the world for their specialness?
I am sure I have a bit of inherent specialness of my peers and wrapping generations; I do blog after all with the assumption people care about what I have to say. However I mostly know I am special today for 3 reasons: the bible tells me so (but it also tells me I am a sinner), my family loves me (but love means you tell people when they are wrong), and Orbitz pays me well for something I really like to do (but Alex and Jeremy are quick to keep me inline and make sure I don’t mess up and I often have to do thing I don’t want to do).
I am glad I was raised knowing that I messed up from time to time (mom, often?). I am glad that I was spanked, grounded, and forced into labor when I was wrong. I am also I played sports where there were winners and losers and we cared which we were. I am glad I was in 4-H, where there is competition for Champion and Grand Champion and it was my to win.
This seems to be slipping away. What are some other areas were automatic specialness is popping up? What should we keep an eye out for while raising our special little boy?
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August 8th, 2007 at 6:18
I am sure its obvious. But you make no points as to why specialness is bad?
August 8th, 2007 at 6:20
I think it’s important to keep in mind that this comes across a little harsher than it really is. My mother used to handle disappointment (usually caused by a lower than expected grade or a part I didn’t get in a ballet) by asking one or both of the following questions:
1. Did you try your hardest?
2. Did you learn something?
And then she would answer “That’s the most important thing.” I think this reinforces that you shouldn’t have the expectation that you will be the best at everything without diminishing the value of the hard work put in or the lessons learned. I know I often rolled my eyes at this back in the day, but I think it sunk in after a while.
August 8th, 2007 at 8:17
This reminds me of a quote from The Incredibles:
And mind you, this is a movie for children, and that little snippet flies in the face of the self-esteem movement in which children are saturated (the whole movie has Randian themes).
I don’t think the idea is that specialness is bad. Rather, it’s that unearned specialness demeans worthy achievements and mutes constructive criticism.
August 8th, 2007 at 9:47
I agree with most of what you are saying. I think you need to be spanked and grounded, and know when you’ve done something wrong. I also think sports are important, although, I’m with Jos in saying it’s not whether you win or lose, but that you had fun and did your best.
As far as chores go, I don’t think all chores should be a punishment. Kids should have to do chores regularly, it builds character. But there should be additional chores that are not routine, that are extra special for punishment! Besides- when Jonah is all grown up and gets married his wife won’t have to teach him what a dish-scrapper is… Not that I’m speaking from personal experience on that one… haha.
And it’s amazing how many parents honestly believe their kids can do no wrong. It’s always the other kid’s fault or the teacher’s fault. It seems a lot of parents can’t even imagine the possibility of their child being in the wrong.
August 8th, 2007 at 10:25
I didn’t mean to make it sound like my mother’s tactic means that praise should be given for falling short of a goal, I think she did not set up the false expectation that even given best efforts I would be necessarily be exceptional in every endeavor and worthy of that type of praise. However, I think it is equally important that her words encouraged me to honestly evaluate the outcome, play the game again, and step-up my efforts. I think it’s possible that the self-esteem movement has confused two different messages that can be sent to children:
1. You are not the best at x.
2. Not only are you not the best at x, you should feel humiliated for having even tried.
While the first may be realistic, the second isn’t a very practical coping mechanism for handling future failures.
August 8th, 2007 at 10:42
Ok, Jacob says this will better clarify my point:
In addition to trying to perform exceptionally, I also think kids should also be encouraged to stick their necks out a little bit.
August 8th, 2007 at 20:55
The one thing that kids these days must face is the growing feeling of entitlement in this country. That means many things:
- Not knowing the value (or how to do) hard work
- Lack of respect for those in power or older than them
- A “you don’t know me” attitude
It can all be summed up as “I’m special, and therefore I deserve X.” Our children have a very different view of personal rights than their parents (or especially our founders) did. We do not have a right to health care, a respectable working wage, or a spot on a basketball team. We have to EARN and WORK for what we get. It also seems that certain politicians have used this entitlement mindset for their personal gain - see Clinton, Hillary or Edwards, John.
Teach HARD WORK and the value of EARNING something to your child, and everything else will fall into place…
August 9th, 2007 at 17:46
Hear hear, Kris (I bet you think you are special because you spell our shared name differently). I have to deal with, as Jos put it in an other thread, kids who feel “entitled” to an A with no work put into it.
I actually think that all this specialness stuff actually has little effect. Sure, it breeds kids that are snotty, feel entitled, and claim certain perks just from birthright, but this all comes crashing down pretty hard when they hit college and above. Life just doesn’t operate like that, and I have watched first hand as some young adults’ sense of “entitlement” goes crashing down. Sure, this is hard and it has definitely negative effects on the psyche, but I see that as a balance for the early coddling done in childhood.
I disagree about the importance of sports, however. I believe in the importance of competitive group activities, whether this be chess tournaments, football, Collectible Card Game playing, or whatever. I just don’t think it HAS to be athletics. I turned out damn good, and I never played sports.
August 10th, 2007 at 11:22
I really do feel for you, Chris. I’m definitely in classes with people who expect to get A’s. . .not only due to grade inflation, but because it is a generally highly motivated group that is accustomed to performing above its peers and genuinely does put in a lot of work. Last winter a new Prof. taught my Corporate Finance II class. He was very passionate about the subject and extremely approachable, he presented interesting material, so all was going well. Then as he was handing out the midterm he casually mentioned that he likes to grade in the method of IIT (India Institute of Technology, not Illionis), so he devised the exam such that it would be extremely unlikely that anyone would get anywhere near 100% and that he graded on a strict bell curve, so by definition half the class would get a C or lower. I have never seen a crowd turn so fast. Needless to say, the mentality of the class for the second half of the quarter was completely different from the first. I, like all but 2 of my classmates, did not get the grade I hoped for, but I did get a lot out of the class and I felt very very sorry for our well-intentioned Prof.
August 11th, 2007 at 12:07
What is worse Jos, is I imagine that this prof got a nice “talking to” by the administration after the semester was over. Especially since this was a group of grad students (MA, right?). There is a definite pressure to overgrade, but there is an equal and more amorphous pressure to avoid grade inflation. The University basically gives off this message, “Make the students work a little for their grade, but don’t grade too harshly. We want it to look like our students are better than everyone else (but they aren’t) for the next board meeting.”
It is mind shattering trying to deal with this stuff. I actually had a student go to the DEAN to complain for getting an A-. No joke. The Dean did tell her that she was a bit over-the-top, but it could easily have gone the other way.
Chris